Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. (Yep! It really is! I actually looked it up because I'd never heard the word before!)

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

* War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Desks are what government calls work stations.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Some people are like Slinkies... They're not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks in captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

* I thought I wanted a career; Turns out I just wanted pay checks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* I discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

* I used to be indecisive... Now I'm not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon... And a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

* You're never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

AND THIS ONE ATTRIBUTED TO GROUCHO MARX... "TIME FLYS LIKE AN ARROW; FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA"